....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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