He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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