With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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