No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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