who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I have feelings that need drinking.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
