I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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