Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
