Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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