I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
