In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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