I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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