Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
