cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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