Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
