Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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