my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
