People in love make me want to vomit
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
