I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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