alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
