i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize