Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
