If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
