maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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