Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
