just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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