then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
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