dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
