did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
