this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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