Me too!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
