Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
