I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
