I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
