my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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