Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
