Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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