i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize