I am midnight drunk by noon
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
