I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
