I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Mom said you looked used
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
