guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
