Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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