I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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