if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
