he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
