I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
