I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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