What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
