erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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