I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
