i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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