After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
