So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just found puke in my bra..
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
