i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
