made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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