Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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