I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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